Toe Jams in the Bathtub

My brave, fearless three-year-old daughter. The daughter who always has to go say “hello” to the African hissing cockroaches at the zoo. The one who passed up touching a hamster and a bird to touch a giant African millipede during her preschool mom and me class. My daughter who climbs furniture and playground equipment with ease and seemingly no fear. Who likes to dig and play in the dirt and sand, no matter what creepy things lay hidden. Who would probably jump into a swimming pool without reservations or fear of drowning. Who loves to watch the BBC Planet Earth documentary series, even the parts where the hunter gets his prey, with great interest and no fear.

This same brave daughter has a weakness. During bath time (which she loves), if she sees a “toe jam” (one of those teeny-tiny pieces of sock fuzz that gets caught between your toes) floating in the water, she immediately screams and leaps out of the tub.

“Toe Jam!” she shrieks and points, refusing to get back in until I can scoop it out, which isn’t as easy as you’d think. She always checks her toes for them before she goes in, so she is okay touching them then. But if she misses one and it ends up floating in the bath water, it’s suddenly transformed into something scary.

“Honey, don’t worry. The toe jam won’t hurt you.” I always say while trying to scoop it out. As with scooping anything tiny out of water, this usually takes several tries.

“But I’m scared of toe jams,” she says earnestly and without embarrassment or shame. And she is. No doubt about it. You can see it clearly in her body language and of course, in the fact that she jumps out of the bath and clings to me until it is gone. Do I tease her about this? Of course not. Even if it seems silly to me, I acknowledge and respect her experience and try to help quell her fears.

This fear of toe jams stands as a reminder to me about our fears as adults. We can be struck with fear while walking down a dark alley in an unfamiliar area of a city or when awoken suddenly by a loud noise in the middle of the night. Our hearts begin to race as adrenaline pumps through our bodies, preparing for fight or flight - the survival response. As adults, we are not embarrassed by this natural response to rational fear. It does not cause shame or induce ridicule from others.

Logical-minded adults often also experience irrational fears, their equivalent to toe jams in the bathtub. Fear of harmless insects or of the dark. Even though these fears may not be based on a real threat, they are no less real. They are capabale of triggering the same physical fight or flight response in us. Unlike my daughter, however, most adults are often ashamed of these fears. They keep them hidden away, embarrassed to admit them to friends or family.

I have to ask: why? If it is a natural part of human nature to be afraid, regardless of whether the threat of danger is real or imagined, why hide these fears away? Why not share them? And allow something that could separate us further from each other, instead, through the shared intimacy of vulnerability, bring us closer together?

So, what are you afraid of? Next time fear strikes (you or someone you know), think about toe jams in the bathtub and let it guide your response.